Have you felt this frustration before?
They come on all strong and buttery. Slathering you in compliments. You weren’t even interested. You told him (and yourself) that you aren’t too trusting. You don’t trust words anymore because words are cheap, you said.
But then you kind of started feeling like a goddess.
You started to trust. He looked at you with such devotion in his eyes. He actually looked at you when you walked across the room and not at his iPhone! You trusted a little more. You spent hours talking. This was definitely someone you could trust.
But then he started to pull away.
He started to check his phone anytime you turned your head.
He called less.
He didn’t bother to send you the smiley faces anymore.
Nor the kissy ones.
The pulling away is palpable.
Just as men can feel our energy we can feel theirs too.
We see the interest fade in the eyes.
We feel it in the lack of attention.
You slept with him.
Or acted in some other way that made you lose value.
Let me explain…
I’m writing about this today because I have been researching the male and female dynamic for some time now… both on and off-field 🙂 and I feel this is the missing piece of the puzzle. For a long time I didn’t understand men at all. I thought they were just like women and I made many many mistakes.
This can happen easily and this is why so many women today want to learn more about being in their feminine essence.
The thing is, we are so capable.
When you are a smart, strong and determined woman, you can see how things can be organized and fixed easily and you are used to getting shit done and will very naturally take the lead. This is fine in many situations, but when you want to have that man with a strong masculine essence, you have to learn to hang back a bit and not be offering up unasked for advice all the time. Men like to fix their own things.
Oh I learned this!
This was not something I knew before my thirties.
And why do you want to be with a man with a strong masculine essence?
Because it’s sexy as fuck!
Polarity create strong sexual chemistry.
And sex is fun and oh so healthy.
But therein lies the problem for desire-full juicy women.
And I will come to this…
Often we emasculate our men by not letting them have the freedom they require to replenish their masculine energy. And feel like men.
Then they become resentful, passive, angry or rebellious.All relationships are assignments though and when we look for the lessons in all situations, we will evolve and grow – this is a way of living that I teach through the Healthy + Powerfully Feminine course and with my private coaching clients. There are no failures. Only lessons.
So why can’t we just sleep around?
Well, you can if it’s working for you. I have absolutely no moral judgement on this. I’m all for what works for you. If it feels good and you’re not hurting anyone, go for it. If you’re actually hurting yourself, read what I have to say about this.
So many of my clients experience this exact thing – the guy coming on all strong and romantic and into you and then puff! All gone sister! – and naturally they feel that it’s painful, incomprehensible and disempowering (under which conditions we can become a little compulsively crazy). That’s why I wanted to write about this too. This is for you my loves.
So why can’t we just sleep around?
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone and neurotransmitter in the brain that is released after birth, after 20 minutes of cuddling and during sex to bond mother and child or lovers to each other.
This “cuddle” hormone reduces blood pressure, cortisol levels and fear and in women it lowers stress levels greatly because estrogen also boosts the effectiveness of oxytocin.
Testosterone, however, counteracts the calming effects of oxytocin – and so it does not actually lower stress in men.
What does this have to do with sex?
After sex a man’s testosterone level is lowered for a while, which is why they may fall asleep or withdraw, while a woman’s oxytocin level is elevated and so she wants to cuddle and feel connected.
You see how shit this could make you feel if you were not actually in a relationship with someone you truly and validly trusted?
John Grey says, “Great sex softens a woman and opens her to experience the love in her heart.”
Because we have so much love to give and we’re so good at it!
But you see how great sex might make you develop feelings for someone regardless of how appropriate they are.
It’s the oxytocin.
Knowing this mentally will probably not make you immune to it.
It’s the oxytocin.
You’re fighting your body’s chemistry.
It’s also a fact that the areas of the brain that handle ‘sex’ and ‘love’ overlap in women but not so much for men.
Sex and love are very different for them.
So what can you do about the ‘pulling away’?
Stay in your Power
When you sleep with a guy that is not in love with you or doesn’t have a strong emotional connection to you, you are probably going in the ‘sex’ basket.
Again I am in no way religious or moralistic! This is purely experience and observation. There are many exceptions to this I hope and I would love to hear about them…
In the last Healthy + Powerfully Feminine course one of the women shared that her counsellor had encouraged to take a lover. “Sure that’d be great for me,” she said, “but guys just act like dickheads!”
This rang so true because yes, it does seem when they do get offered the what they seem to want, they don’t want it anymore. They don’t value it.
They want the best and the rarest thing.
Like the one-of-a-kind luxury car or watch that they’d pay anything for just because no one else has it.
The prized lion in the hunt.
Not the zebras and gazelles that are numerous and easy to catch.
Guys are not necessarily dickheads*, they’re just different.
(*Some are dickheads)
Know this and you can either choose to have sex anyway or not.
What else can you do to stay in your power?
Require more from him if you do desire a relationship (or not to feel like shit if that’s how you usually end up feeling).
Does he want to hang out with you a lot anyway?
This is the main point. Don’t trust totally until it’s really earned.
Realise that for some it’s not the right time.
Men may not come closer for many reasons, sometimes they’re focused on their career, have yet to find their purpose or some had their hearts broken ten years ago and committed to not feeling anymore.
Realise for others you are not the one.
He’s not necessarily an arsehole, maybe you are just not enough like his mother.
Is he really the one anyway or is it just the loneliness or the oxytocin making you so loved up?
Realise your worth and own it.
Every guy can say the right things and make you feel like a goddess. We are vulnerable to this kind of attention when we don’t feel it inside. Even when we feel it we can get taken in by the man that is oh so exquisitely expressive.
From clients I’ve observed that this can happen especially after coming out of long relationships where you lacked that verbal praise. We can get totally taken in by a showering of compliments. We feel refreshed and renewed! Until we realize something darker is taking place.
Yeah, the guy wants to borrow money.
Or he is actually courting a whole lot of other women on Facebook with his tragedy and prose.
Or he just switches suddenly.
Why do we trust words and compliments so easily?
As women, we desire to be seen for who we are. The feminine essence is one of being, while the masculine is of doing. This is why a man will really do a lot for you if you ask him in the right way and praise him for it. They love it as much as we love being seen… which is why a vulnerable woman who really needs him is oh so attractive to a man with a strong masculine essence.
It’s totally okay to love compliments and accept them gracefully and fully – in fact, I believe it’s healthy – unless you need them to really feel your worth. And please don’t build a relationship solely upon it.
Realise your worth and own it.
You really are a goddess.
Get really centred and feel your power.
Have your own awesome life
Create a life that so fulfilling and fun that you don’t need someone else to fill it. Then the right guy can be a complement to something that is already great. There will still be lessons and assignments but you will use them for your evolution and you will grow.
Be the woman you came here to be – living in a way that is aligned and makes you feel empowered – with a heart open but protected from the predators. Choose to be that woman today – open, vulnerable, strong and free.
From my wild heart to yours,
p.s. If you would love to feel your power as a woman and tune into your intuition as you learn and practice a new way of being, transforming the habits that have been holding you back and creating a life, body and career you love, click here for a complimentary Discovery Session and find out what it’s like to work with me as your private coach. Or click here to find out about my coaching special offers and bonuses.
Aaand I’m very happy to be organizing the upcoming Healthy + Powerfully Feminine online program. This is for you if you are looking to go on a spiritual journey with like-minded women and learn how to use the power of your mind, emotions and energy to transform fears, anxiety and overwhelm into a new way of being, while creating abundance, love and health. Does this sound like you? Click here to register and learn more.
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