Why did you fall in love with an a*hole?
Because he was just so charming in the beginning!
Yes we know.
Relationships can be the most beautiful transformative experiences.
They can also take us down.
Render us powerless. Agitated. Obsessed. In a heap.
Like nothing else.
They leave you wondering :
Am I so demented?
Why did I stay so long when I knew it wasn’t right?
Why were my broken bits so into his broken bits?
We thought we could fix them!
We thought if we gave more and more it would be reciprocated.
It seemed so easy.
Or maybe you were the a*hole?
You knew you wanted to stop getting so angry.
To stop talking in that screechy voice.
And criticizing and complaining all the time.
You knew it wasn’t helping.
But you just couldn’t help yourself.
It felt like you were battling against your own DNA.
Oh the struggle!
What was really going on?
So many of my clients have come out of relationships they describe as ‘toxic’ and come to work with me because they are ready to do life differently. These are not people who have suffered childhood trauma. They have had a relatively normal upbringing just like me.
But they are aware that they allowed and/or enabled the dysfunction and would love to truly know and love themselves, to have strong boundaries and a spiritual connection so that they make healthy choices.
They fear getting into another relationship without being the empowered version of themselves because they know how easy it is to slip back into old ways without even realizing it.
Wouldn’t you love to know what’s really going on?
People are our teachers. This isn’t to say that the other person is not ‘at fault’ but you’ll never be empowered if you keep focusing outside of yourself. Blaming and bitterness consumes so much energy and hurts you the most. Besides this, you can’t change somebody else. Get the lesson and move on (day by day it gets easier once you make the decision to), otherwise there will be more teachers and more intense lessons. Yes you met him but you are the one who decided to stay. Why?
Let’s talk about your mother…
When you were a baby you felt totally connected to your mother. You saw no separation. And so the way your mother treated you or how you perceived you were being treated had a massive effect on you. If you experienced your mother disapproving, it felt like you were being totally rejected. Because you were totally dependent on her for food and nurturing, this could have felt like death to you.
If she was worried while feeding you, perhaps for something unrelated like paying the bills, you may have felt it as being life threatening. So in this moment, your subconscious mind records the experience, while rationally you are unable to understand what was really happening.
This is the time when deep rooted beliefs take hold, which are then built upon during childhood. But you are rarely conscious of these beliefs – which is why you feel like you are struggling. Consciously you would like to make the money, have the body, career and the relationship you desire, but subconsciously these deep rooted beliefs are blocking you.
“Sometimes there is a distortion in our mindset that causes us to subconsciously seek negative emotions. We may unknowingly create events, circumstances and relationships that cause an arising of negative emotions within us.”
– Michael Domeyko Rowland
When you are young, home represents survival and is the entire focus of your life. It is the place you receive food, shelter, nurturing, company and security. So even if the atmosphere is unpleasant, it is still so strongly and deeply associated with your survival. Your feeling of home might be a lively social vibration or it might be a feeling of peace and stillness or it could be negative : cold, uncaring, physically or emotionally abusive, bland or unexciting.
So as we grow up, we subconsciously seek out situations which will give us the feeling of home. We may find ourselves preferring when someone is cold to us (instigating drama and fights to make it so) and getting angry or turned off when they are kind. Or hanging around even when our partner makes us feel meek, believing that we can mould ourselves to make them love us the way we want to be loved. We think we know what we want consciously but it is the subconscious driving the crazy caravan.
If you think back to the atmosphere in your childhood home, can you identify what emotional addictions have been driving your choices?
As children we learn to act in a certain way to please our parents, which is then carried into our adult relationships. It is often that we don’t want to be like our parents, but then later in life we find ourselves acting like them any way. Depending on who we are with we could be subconsciously playing the role of our mother or our father.
Your mind-body system is pushing your evolution though. Your partner was selected by your subconscious. It found the perfect person for you to evolve through. We seek out those who match our parent’s patterns and moods so that we can release these emotions that we’ve been trying to hold down since childhood. Holding down these emotions is costing us our life force energy but the subconscious is always finding us situations to release them. In a conscious relationship this is possible.
In an unconscious relationship we get caught up in petty fighting and don’t see what’s really going on. Haven’t you found yourself getting irrationally angry over the minor things and just wanting to lash out?
Most people are totally unaware of the belief patterns in their subconscious, but if you are committed to your personal growth it is possible to make the subconscious conscious and change the deep rooted patterns of your conditioning.
So you can give up the a*holes for good!
Plus live abundantly, loving yourself and your body, behaving as you desire and doing work you love!
There is work that can be done directly with the body to release emotions and for those who have suffered real childhood trauma there are treatments available, such as EMDR and Rapid Resolution Therapy (neither of which I have any experience with so cannot recommend either).
These limiting beliefs and subconscious patterns of behaviour can also be explored through coaching.
Would you love to discover what subconscious beliefs and emotional addictions have been blocking you from living the life you desire and being your most fun, joyful, loving, magnetic, inspirational self?
True power comes from knowing yourself.
And there’s so much power in discovering why you do what you do and how you can change this.
And what could be more powerful than being a conscious human being, making aligned decisions and being a person that you love?
Don’t take any more years off your life repeating the same old shit. Don’t spend any more money investing in programs or memberships or subscriptions before you find out what’s been stopping you subconsciously and how to overcome this. Empower yourself as the ultimate creator of your reality!
*This article is based on the teachings of Michael Domeyko Rowland, Australia’s leading Self-Development author and presenter, and meditation teacher. He spent 25 years researching the mind and consciousness and has toured England, the Amazon jungle, and the U.S.A. interviewing twenty of the top transpersonal psychiatrists, psychologists, physicists and biologists.