Please remind me never to go to a dance audition again.
I have had success in life but it was rarely in a solo competition.
It’s just not the way of the Projector.
On Friday there was a call-out at my dance school to try out for an upcoming event.
I felt excited.
But after the two hours that night, I felt like a zombie.
And I didn’t get in.
The voices of my Inner Critic stood at the door of my mind.
Just waiting to get in.
I scrolled instead.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to deal with these criticisms.
Too tired even to sleep.
On Saturday I woke after five hours.
Still, the voices stood at the door.
But I didn’t let them in.
I did what I knew to do.
I journaled but had little concentration for that.
I showered and dressed and went back to bed.
Tried to sleep.
Tried to meditate.
Still too tired.
Maybe I slept twenty minutes and felt somewhat refreshed.
Then it was time to go to the Law of Attraction discussion group.
I had been super excited for that on Friday.
I even posted about it on Instagram.
Now I was too tired to be super excited.
But still I felt somewhat excited.
The conversation was stimulating.
We spoke of the emotional guidance scale.
I shared my experience on having to actually feel the emotions to get to a higher vibration.
And about how I manifested the Bali trip in 2017 by focusing on fitness.
Afterwards, an Irish woman new to law of attraction told me she really appreciated my input.
Still, these criticisms stood at the doorway.
Just a shadow.
Did I talk too much?
The tiredness makes them stronger.
When the mind is weak.
Presence, as I have realised with the law of attraction and what I told the Irish woman, is the solution.
The rest of the weekend I continued to practise presence.
I went to Dan’s 40th and that was fun being with my friends.
Did I say the wrong thing?
Did I speak too much?
It’s not that I entertain these thoughts.
It’s that I was aware that they stood on the edge of my consciousness.
I can understand how some people suffer anxiety through this over-thinking.
Of lack thoughts.
The tiny mad ideas of the ego.
The voice of fear.
On Sunday I went to an event on Worthiness.
Faith Ransom, running it, played a recording of spiritual teacher’s speech.
He said that the Inner Critic gets louder to counter what others may be thinking.
It’s a protection mechanism.
When we quieten the Inner Critic, unconscious addictive behaviours also stop.
I am loved.
I am loved.
I am loved.
Afterwards, I went to Gelare to eat half a waffle with whipped cream, maple syrup and a scoop of cookie dough ice-cream.
It was so delicious.